this girl has got me all fucked up!

SO....I took this girl who is a great friend of mine on this amazing date, I played it like I had these awesome tickets and I knew she wanted to go, and I needed a date. She knows I like her but we have been friends for a long time. After what seemed like a great night I kissed her, we made out for like a half hour and left it at that. She asked me what I was doing the next night. "hanging out with you" I said. She text me when she got home that night and said she had a great time and wanted to see me the next night. The next night I text her and she never replied. It has been 5 or 6 days and she has never responded. I've tried to contact her a couple times but don't want to be "that guy". But the least she could do is tell me to fuck off, right? I can't figure it out. We have the same friends, so I know she is alive but what is this about? ladies help me out here? why would a girl completely ignore me? She was into the make out session for sure. I can't get her out of my head at all! My last text (I refuse to send another) was "did I do something wrong? could you let me know what is up?"

4 Years ago a friend of mine told me I was a miserable fuck---but I didn't have to be anymore.

When I came in to the rooms I had no intention to stop drinking. I had already kicked heroin and cocaine a couple months earlier (for the umpteenth time) and alcohol, although it had also taken everything from me, was not a problem for me. I knew I would drink till death do us part. I did not care that it took me to the same place as cocaine and heroin, I saw others drinking with impunity and I was determined to have the same results. I came into the rooms because a girlfriend told me she would move back across the country after she got out of treatment as long as I was sober. So...I told her I was and I stopped drinking the day she got here to look for an apartment. I stayed sober for a week more on plain stupid luck and the day she came out and signed the lease on our new place we went to a meeting. I had told her I had already been sober for 90 days. I didn't end up confessing to that lie until the day I picked up an actual 30 day chip. I could not believe I really had 30 days. I kept doing the math, looking at the calendar in disbelief. I came in and heard a message of hope. When my sponsor told me it was better in here than it was out there, I believed him. When he talked about how is life used to be, I could relate. When he talked about what it was like now, I was skeptical, but I believed him. I took the suggestions, got a sponsor, worked the steps, took service positions. Every week I was due at my sponsors' house with a big book, highliter, pen and a dictionary. After the 5th step I lost the obsession to drink. I trudged along, mending relationships with the people in my life and gaining respect for myself. Today my life is amazing. I am happy. (92% of the time) My life is good today for reasons way beyond my my job, my car, my love life, or any of the other things that I thought made life good. My life isn't perfect, but, over any considerable length of time it has got better never worse since the first day I walked in to the rooms. I never thought I'd live to 21 and now I'm 24 years old with 4 years of sobriety. My sponsor was right when he told me (he has 40+ years) "I keep coming back because its better in here than it was out there."

If I don't drink today I have a chance at a good life. If I drink I have no chance at life. I've proven it time and time again. I'm grateful to know I am powerless over alcohol and drugs.

(this is one of those posts where I'll look at it in 3 days and be like...."good god you emotional sap!")

Smoking. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you all to hell. (update)

I found a nearly empty pack of cigarettes yesterday. I smoked them. Boooooo. 3 cigarettes I smoked. ugh. I had gone 4 or 5 days without. It tasted great and the tobacco was a little dry since they'd been in my room for a month or so. The dry tobacco caused that crackling sound and they burned fast. I haven't smoked today but I am glad I smoked those 3 little guys yesterday. I forgor to put a patch on this morning, I'm going crazzzzzzyyyyyyy! I'm hoping that when I go snowshoeing and snowboarding this week at 10000+ feet I'll notice a difference in lung capacity and thus gain more motivation. Anyway, epic fail yesterday. today a moderate success. I'll keep on keepin on on the no smoking tip!

Smoking. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you all to hell.

18 years old standing around the campfire, bud light bottle in one hand cigarette in the other. A teen-age crush of mine and future train wreck ex-girlfriend said "you make that cigarette look good standing by the fire, that should be a smoking commercial." I was a full time smoker from that day forward. Sad and true. I hate to admit that I'm that shallow but I swear to god I was a part time, half assed smoker until that day. I am trying to quit for the umpteenth time and I hate it. Irritable, discontent. I don't want to eat because then I'll want to smoke. I can't sleep because I want to smoke. I can't drink too much coffee because then I will smoke. Every sound in cubicle land is magnified by 1000x. I just want to smoke. I really don't want to gain weight either as I have been trying to get looking like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. (a tall task) I just can't do it all anymore. I don't want to be subbed out playing soccer. I am tired of getting altitude sickness when I've lived at 6,000 ft. my whole life. All the physical troubles I have from smoking are not worth it to me. (I don't think) As with drinking and drugging though I'm sure I'm not done until I'm done.

Wish me luck! Day 3.

BACK FROM VEGAS, BACK TO REALITY! AND SNOW!

After a couple days back from Vegas I am fighting the post vacation blues. The trip was amazing, hilarious and eventful. No drama, just friends celebrating the new year and my birthday in "Adult Disneyland" as I call it. The clubs were epic, we hit club Pur on New Years Eve. It was a $150 cover but that included open bar. Unfortunately the open bar need not apply to me, but it did make my plain tonics and diet cokes free as well. We left the club at 3 a.m. and I went and bought into 1-2 no limit holdem. I went up 400 dollars after 2 hours and after 4 hours I was up nearly 600. I was tired and the sun was up, so I went and got breakfast with two guys I met from Manchester, England. They were good and drunk and we talked about football. (soccer). My favorite topic. I went to bed at 9 am slept until 12 noon, awoke and went to play in the tournament at Planet Hollywood casino. I lost at the final table and took 8th place. It was the first final table I've made inside the LV city limits. I didn't finish in the money but had a good time none the less. My sister came and met me for lunch at Traitor Vic's which I highly reccomend if you're going to be on the strip. I ended up playing blackjack and roulette for the next few hours and after making a decscent run at blackjack started increasing my bets like a mad man. $100 a hand! I've never played like that before. It was so much fun. After another night of clubs, primarily Studio 54, I met a beautiful lady who actually knew some friends of mine from back home. We went back to her hotel, Ballys and when I was leaving her room early that morning I stuck $50 dollars in a slot and payed out $410. I covered everyones food for the rest of the day in our party and gave everyone $50 to bet on college football. It was fun feeling like a high roller, which in fact I am not. I didn't go down to get rich though, I went for the fun. I had fun and my trip almost paid for itself. In all I spent about $1100 but out of the Casino's money and other players money I spent nearly $3500. I don't know wether to be stoked about that or sad. I do know I had the best New Years and birthday ever in sobriety. I had the time of my life. I never needed a drink or craved one. I called my sponsor 3 times while I was down there to check in. I am excited about the new year and all its potential. God knows it can't be worse than 2008.

Here's to you and your's!!!! Happy 2009.

Catching up...

The visit from my friend went great, we have a loooonnnngggggg history together and it is easy to get right on track with each other, before we even picked up her bags off the carousel I remember thinking it was like we had never been apart. The skiing was good. Snow was great, we saw 36 inches of brand new snow in just a day or two. The sex was incredibly hot! Don't think I'll share anymore than that but it was 10/10the romantic cabin and fireplace really set the mood as well as massages at the spa. The restaraunts where we stayed were amazing and I think I had the best filet mingon I have ever had. (better than Ruth's Chris, Flemings, Mortons by far)
We were waiting for our table when Ben Stiller and his wife,Christine Taylor (loved her in the brady bunch movies) came in. We were the only 4 people in the lobby area and he said hello to both of us and we said hello back. I turned to my date with my back to Ben and mouthed WHAT THE FUCK! and then we stood in silence. My date and I were dressed great and both looked very nice. Then Ben asked me if we were there for skiing or what and how the snow had been. I have met a fair amount of celebrities but have never been that star struck. I think I acted like it was no big deal but deep down I just wanted to say, "I have watched Royal Tenembaums and Zoolander at least 200 times. I love you. I even love your bad movies, and the Ben Stiller show in 1992, and the janitor you played in Happy Gilmore!" I refrained. We discussed the excellent ski conditions, he asked where we were from, my date explained she is from the south and that she lived here for before moving to New York and was just there visiting. She also mentioned that I was a local born and raised. Ben then asked me, What was that like? are you kidding me! Ben asks what it was like growing up in a ski town! I replied, telling him how amazing it was to grow up skiing as soon as I could walk, and driving snowmobiles to get to school. He laughed at that and agreed that it must have been "the life". The whole time we were talking we never acknowledged his celebrity or anything and he and his wife were very funny and nice.
Christmas was great I was a bit spoiled. It was emotional not having my dad at my mom's party and emotional not having my mom at my dad's party. I found my sister ducking into the bathroom to cry. I went to mid-night mass alone and the parents' of an old friend of mine saw me and gave huge hugs. Their son, my friend, killed himself in October after returning from his second tour of duty in Bagdhad. It was great to see his parents, I hadn't seen them since the wake. When the choir sang the lords prayer I got choked up and started to cry. One particular part just rang the holiday season true in my heart. "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" that is what christmas is for me. plain and simple!

I am sorry it took me so long to update--

I am going to Las Vegas to play in some tournaments and celebrate the New Year!!! I'm sure I'll post more when I get back!!

pretty nice little saturday we got planned....

So... Ms. Smith we'll call her, gets in tomorrow and I am stoked. I paid for my first haircut in months(I regularly get haircuts just from myself), did some manscaping, bought a gift from Victoria Secret it's wrapped all nice too, Ski passes bought and dinner reservations made, little ski lodge we can ski in and out of. I think things are looking quite nice! I am having snow tires put on my car in the morning and have to pick up dry cleaning but other than that I am home free. I play in 3 poker tournaments next week and am working 20 hours at the skateshop. I should be in good financial shape for Vegas and Christmas, well...good as can be expected after the year I've had. Oh and the job should start first of the year. A great job for this economy too.

So on it goes. one week a peak, next week a valley. Serenity for me is knocking the highs off the peaks, the lows off the valleys and just being OK.