4 Years ago a friend of mine told me I was a miserable fuck---but I didn't have to be anymore.

When I came in to the rooms I had no intention to stop drinking. I had already kicked heroin and cocaine a couple months earlier (for the umpteenth time) and alcohol, although it had also taken everything from me, was not a problem for me. I knew I would drink till death do us part. I did not care that it took me to the same place as cocaine and heroin, I saw others drinking with impunity and I was determined to have the same results. I came into the rooms because a girlfriend told me she would move back across the country after she got out of treatment as long as I was sober. So...I told her I was and I stopped drinking the day she got here to look for an apartment. I stayed sober for a week more on plain stupid luck and the day she came out and signed the lease on our new place we went to a meeting. I had told her I had already been sober for 90 days. I didn't end up confessing to that lie until the day I picked up an actual 30 day chip. I could not believe I really had 30 days. I kept doing the math, looking at the calendar in disbelief. I came in and heard a message of hope. When my sponsor told me it was better in here than it was out there, I believed him. When he talked about how is life used to be, I could relate. When he talked about what it was like now, I was skeptical, but I believed him. I took the suggestions, got a sponsor, worked the steps, took service positions. Every week I was due at my sponsors' house with a big book, highliter, pen and a dictionary. After the 5th step I lost the obsession to drink. I trudged along, mending relationships with the people in my life and gaining respect for myself. Today my life is amazing. I am happy. (92% of the time) My life is good today for reasons way beyond my my job, my car, my love life, or any of the other things that I thought made life good. My life isn't perfect, but, over any considerable length of time it has got better never worse since the first day I walked in to the rooms. I never thought I'd live to 21 and now I'm 24 years old with 4 years of sobriety. My sponsor was right when he told me (he has 40+ years) "I keep coming back because its better in here than it was out there."

If I don't drink today I have a chance at a good life. If I drink I have no chance at life. I've proven it time and time again. I'm grateful to know I am powerless over alcohol and drugs.

(this is one of those posts where I'll look at it in 3 days and be like...."good god you emotional sap!")

Smoking. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you all to hell.

18 years old standing around the campfire, bud light bottle in one hand cigarette in the other. A teen-age crush of mine and future train wreck ex-girlfriend said "you make that cigarette look good standing by the fire, that should be a smoking commercial." I was a full time smoker from that day forward. Sad and true. I hate to admit that I'm that shallow but I swear to god I was a part time, half assed smoker until that day. I am trying to quit for the umpteenth time and I hate it. Irritable, discontent. I don't want to eat because then I'll want to smoke. I can't sleep because I want to smoke. I can't drink too much coffee because then I will smoke. Every sound in cubicle land is magnified by 1000x. I just want to smoke. I really don't want to gain weight either as I have been trying to get looking like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. (a tall task) I just can't do it all anymore. I don't want to be subbed out playing soccer. I am tired of getting altitude sickness when I've lived at 6,000 ft. my whole life. All the physical troubles I have from smoking are not worth it to me. (I don't think) As with drinking and drugging though I'm sure I'm not done until I'm done.

Wish me luck! Day 3.

Help, I'm down and really don't want to get back up!

There have been spots in sobriety where I can't seem to pull things together. When pain doesn't seem to be motivation enough to do something different. With a book of solutions, meetings and caring people all willing to help me along, why then would I choose to sit back and soak up all the negative feelings that the winter blues and depression bring on? It is a sick mindset that I have trouble with every few months. The winters here are brutal. I know it doesn't help but for some reasons when times get tough I have a tendency to self destruct and avoid anything that would be good for me. I readily accept anything that would be bad for my spiritual health and deny anything that could possibly help. This phenomenon proves that Alcohol is but a symptom of my problems. My problems are rooted in selfish, self-centered behavior. It's been almost 4 years since my last drink but I still feel the wrath of my mental condition. A thinking disease. The solution I know all to well is to do for others. Do the next right thing in front of me and stop spending so much time based completely on self. Self loathing has never helped me accomplish anything!