Catching up...

The visit from my friend went great, we have a loooonnnngggggg history together and it is easy to get right on track with each other, before we even picked up her bags off the carousel I remember thinking it was like we had never been apart. The skiing was good. Snow was great, we saw 36 inches of brand new snow in just a day or two. The sex was incredibly hot! Don't think I'll share anymore than that but it was 10/10the romantic cabin and fireplace really set the mood as well as massages at the spa. The restaraunts where we stayed were amazing and I think I had the best filet mingon I have ever had. (better than Ruth's Chris, Flemings, Mortons by far)
We were waiting for our table when Ben Stiller and his wife,Christine Taylor (loved her in the brady bunch movies) came in. We were the only 4 people in the lobby area and he said hello to both of us and we said hello back. I turned to my date with my back to Ben and mouthed WHAT THE FUCK! and then we stood in silence. My date and I were dressed great and both looked very nice. Then Ben asked me if we were there for skiing or what and how the snow had been. I have met a fair amount of celebrities but have never been that star struck. I think I acted like it was no big deal but deep down I just wanted to say, "I have watched Royal Tenembaums and Zoolander at least 200 times. I love you. I even love your bad movies, and the Ben Stiller show in 1992, and the janitor you played in Happy Gilmore!" I refrained. We discussed the excellent ski conditions, he asked where we were from, my date explained she is from the south and that she lived here for before moving to New York and was just there visiting. She also mentioned that I was a local born and raised. Ben then asked me, What was that like? are you kidding me! Ben asks what it was like growing up in a ski town! I replied, telling him how amazing it was to grow up skiing as soon as I could walk, and driving snowmobiles to get to school. He laughed at that and agreed that it must have been "the life". The whole time we were talking we never acknowledged his celebrity or anything and he and his wife were very funny and nice.
Christmas was great I was a bit spoiled. It was emotional not having my dad at my mom's party and emotional not having my mom at my dad's party. I found my sister ducking into the bathroom to cry. I went to mid-night mass alone and the parents' of an old friend of mine saw me and gave huge hugs. Their son, my friend, killed himself in October after returning from his second tour of duty in Bagdhad. It was great to see his parents, I hadn't seen them since the wake. When the choir sang the lords prayer I got choked up and started to cry. One particular part just rang the holiday season true in my heart. "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" that is what christmas is for me. plain and simple!

I am sorry it took me so long to update--

I am going to Las Vegas to play in some tournaments and celebrate the New Year!!! I'm sure I'll post more when I get back!!

pretty nice little saturday we got planned....

So... Ms. Smith we'll call her, gets in tomorrow and I am stoked. I paid for my first haircut in months(I regularly get haircuts just from myself), did some manscaping, bought a gift from Victoria Secret it's wrapped all nice too, Ski passes bought and dinner reservations made, little ski lodge we can ski in and out of. I think things are looking quite nice! I am having snow tires put on my car in the morning and have to pick up dry cleaning but other than that I am home free. I play in 3 poker tournaments next week and am working 20 hours at the skateshop. I should be in good financial shape for Vegas and Christmas, well...good as can be expected after the year I've had. Oh and the job should start first of the year. A great job for this economy too.

So on it goes. one week a peak, next week a valley. Serenity for me is knocking the highs off the peaks, the lows off the valleys and just being OK.

Snow Daze

I'm on one today... you've been warned.

Now it just keeps snowing and all I want to do is snowboard. I watch Snowboard DVD's all night, obsess about it all day. I am so obsessive. I get addicted to everything and anything. Let's review hobbies and other things I have got super into in sobriety:

Tennis, Golf, Bowling, Fly Fishing, Backpacking, Rock Climbing, Camping, Kayaking, Snow Shoes, Four Wheelers, Poker, Roadtrips, National Parks, Hookah, Cigars, Baseball, Sober Softball, English Premier League, Activism, the Cilvil Rights movement (that one got bad. 6 books, and an entire VHS series from PBS like 18 hours of footage, I read all 6 books watched every VHS in 2 weeks, got little to no sleep, and this had nothing to do with any class I was taking, in fact all my grades suffered because I spent all my time doing that.) ugh. I could go on.

Anyway, my point is that it doesn't matter what it is, if I like something even a little bit, I go nuts with it. If _____ is fun once, it will be even better a 1000 times. Snowboarding comes up every year in the obsession category. Has since I was 9 or 10. That doesn't make it any easier. I am such a through and through alcoholic that I have to fight my instincts all day in order to not say, "fuck everyone and everything, I'm going boarding" Seriously, one of the voices in my head constantly tells me to say that to people. Is there any hope? Will my entire life be me fighting obsessions?

Maybe it isn't such a bad thing anyway. (justification, rationalization) I am actually pretty good at almost all the hobbies I listed. I know a shit ton about civil rights. I can have a great conversation with anyone who may be into anything. I've never met anyone I couldn't have a good conversation with. (honestly, I can't think of anyone.) My life isn't boring at all. (but if it ever shows signs of it I get suicidal.) I have a good time! when I see people I haven't talked to in a while and they ask what I've been up to it is because they really want to know. They want to know what crazy shit I've been doing lately. I like that about me! but for god's sake I have got to find a balance.

Atmosphere sums up exactly how I feel in this song. Video isn't bad either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbEwHJX95QE


until next time

Enjoy the ride!

Went snowboarding for the first time this season. It was a fantastic day, fresh powder and 6 brand new 25 ft. kickers. We hit the kickers all day, 9 a.m to 4 p.m. with no lunch break. I feel so alive when I am on the mountain. In tune with body and soul. There isn't anything like it. We went to a bar I used to drink at when I was underage and played pool for a couple hours before coming off the mountain. It was fun shooting pool and hanging out with some old friends. They all seem to appreciate me being sober, as most nights used to end with them having to get me out of some ridiculous situation. I am grateful that I have been able to maintain and repair those relationships and also be comfortable around my friends without alcohol. Thank god for the steps. I went to my homegroup meeting tonight, we had a huge turnout tonight because one of the old-timers in our group celebrated 36 years. In the middle of his share he points right at me and said, "if this sorry son of a bitch can get it, anyone can". He once stayed after a meeting and talked to me for 2 hours in my first 30 days. I needed it too. It is really amazing to think I have almost survived this year. It has been hell from the start. I had so much stuff that was out of my control this year, I can't believe I didn't drink over it. It is a great feeling to know that I can walk through "real life" stuff without getting loaded. My first 3 years were a real breeze now that I am looking back.

Oh hello there....You must be what they call "morning"

Unemployed (term used loosely as I do work at a skateboard shop, not a living wage) and in a funk, I had not seen a morning in a while. Today was a nice change of pace. The holidays for some reason make every 12 year old think they want to skateboard. The skateboard stays out until New Years where it goes to it's more permanent home, the closet. Anyway, with all the holiday orders I had to come in earlier than usual to build skateboards which allowed me to greet the world before noon. Glad I did. Last night I finally got back to a 12 and 12 meeting, felt tons better. I had a business lunch/interview it went great, I am confident I'll be working soon. Oh all the things that had me down and out 2 days ago??? All fixable. All these fears, future tripping as I call it, can become a huge problem when left untreated.

I realize this post is all over the place, mostly just wanted to check in and say I am feeling much better. Womynz friend of mine flying in next week for some skiing and sex (don't judge). Big boy job looks much more possible than it did a week ago. Most importantly, I have resumed recovery. I was getting a little too complacent lately. Next step is to stop hating the holidays and maybe watch a Christmas movie to get into the spirit. Christmas Vacation for sure.

Help, I'm down and really don't want to get back up!

There have been spots in sobriety where I can't seem to pull things together. When pain doesn't seem to be motivation enough to do something different. With a book of solutions, meetings and caring people all willing to help me along, why then would I choose to sit back and soak up all the negative feelings that the winter blues and depression bring on? It is a sick mindset that I have trouble with every few months. The winters here are brutal. I know it doesn't help but for some reasons when times get tough I have a tendency to self destruct and avoid anything that would be good for me. I readily accept anything that would be bad for my spiritual health and deny anything that could possibly help. This phenomenon proves that Alcohol is but a symptom of my problems. My problems are rooted in selfish, self-centered behavior. It's been almost 4 years since my last drink but I still feel the wrath of my mental condition. A thinking disease. The solution I know all to well is to do for others. Do the next right thing in front of me and stop spending so much time based completely on self. Self loathing has never helped me accomplish anything!

CHASIN' THAT PAPER!

I've spent the last 3 nights at the card table, It's been good to me, I have made money each night and as a result have been able to survive quite nicely, even with out full time work. Today I asked my boss at the skate/snow shop if I could work extra and he gave me an 11 hour shift. I am convinced that my survival skills make me a NBH. (natural born hustler). Something about 5 years as a junkie has taught me the ways of making a buck out of everything. This is one of those skills that I am not always proud of. As a debt collector I was always a little ashamed of how good I was at getting people to pay their bills. Manipulation being a key factor in my former alcoholic life, I have to now be a super-hero, constantly making decisions to use my powers for good or evil. Either way, I know exactly how much money I need to survive, how much to live comfortable, and how much I have. I work simple math to decide how much I need to come up with each week. Then I start deciding how I can come up with it, seems a lot like when I would wake up and immediately start running scams through my mind in order to obtain dope. Today my ways of obtaining money are much more civilized, although not always legal. (poker is not legal in the back door of a pool hall in the state I live in.) With the weekend here I am hoping to find a game or two and get a little close to comfort and a little further from survival mode. Heres hoping for a cash filled weekend. I got bills to pay. Oh and btw.... Vegas is booked for New Year's Eve!