Sobriety and Family

Last January my parents told us that they were getting divorced after 24 years of marriage. Making this the first thanksgiving with a new family dynamic. I am always sharing in meetings that one of the best things I got from working the steps was the relationships I now have with family. During what turned out to be an emotional thanksgiving for my parents and siblings, I was so happy to be able to care for others. Being able to do for my family, be useful to my family, a part of my family, allowed me to get out of self. Getting out of myself and doing for others is what gets me closest to my higher power and is to me, true freedom. I never would have guessed this is what life was all about when I was drinking. Now in sobriety I understand and am grateful to know the relationships I have with friends and family are truly what life is all about. Showing up and actually being there for family and the people I love is my living amends for all the times I wasn't there.

ok last job related doom and gloom blogpost....I think

Still no job....WTF?

My resume has been sent out all over the country, if I wasn't anonymous on here you would be like "oh I know him, he sent his resume to the starbucks I work at". I am out of ideas, I have tons of promising leads but no one saying the 3 most important words, "when can you start?" God I would love to hear those words. Card games are hard to come by, I'm running out of things to Ebay, cigarettes are taking such a large percentage of what I have left I am considering quitting. Let's not get crazy though. On the brighter side, not working is allowing me to spend time in A.A. more. Tonight I spoke at a treatment center, one that I epic failed back in '03. The treatment center has a local member of A.A. speak every Monday. It was cool speaking to the residents from the perspective of someone who went through that same program. I cracked a couple good jokes that were topical, both concerning the sleep meds and family week. Then I went right into my usual what it used to be like, what happened, what its like now.

here is the short version of my usual hour story when I speak at treatment centers and jails.

I drank it was fun. It worked. It started working less, so I added drugs. then they both worked less and less and good times got fewer and farther away. then for 2 years I used and drank in total pain and pitiful incomprehensible demoralization. Then I came to A.A., was told to work the twelve steps, I got a sponsor, worked the 12 steps, honestly and thoroughly. My life is amazing now. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I show up in relationships. I clean house and help others to try and stay sober, in return I stay sober. I come to A.A. because it is better in here then it was out there.

Then no one hears a word of that and they all go back to talk to their therapists about how they can't figure out how to stay sober.

GIVE ME WORK OR GIVE ME DEATH

I am at work today. My part time job at the local skate and snowboard shop. It is good times and I am greatful to have it. Rent is due next week and I knew I was coming up short. Last night I was invited to a Texas Hold Em cash game. I showed up knowing that I rarely lose, I bought in for 20 bucks and cashed out at 3 a.m. with 200. that made up the difference in rent, I paid it this morning, 9 days early I might add. Now I am at work making a little extra money which will all go to pay check loans and credit cards of which I have overextended myself. Is this a mistake every one makes once or twice? Because I have struggled with money since I was 18, understandably when I was drinking and using but even in sobriety I have never got it together. I am a hell of poker player, no lie. I can't count on that to get by though, it is time I find full time work. A big boy job, if you will. I want to have a job where I go, my check goes into my bank, I have a budget, every two weeks it is split into the essentials. Rent, food, bills, gas, 10% for luxury fun items. Any left over pays down my debt. I know living one day at a time is what we're taught tot do in sobriety but I have been taking it to the extreme. Living moment to moment. Buying, spending on impulse. I think I am ready to turn to a new phase in my sobriety. We'll cal it living within our means.

As far as the job search goes. . . more promising leads, nothing to count on. My horiscope said, "Stop stressing about this situation. You've done all you can do. Sit back, let it take care of itself now."

Sounds good to me.

shady people...do shady things...should I be shocked?

A friend of mine, of course she is a female. I would never take the time to write about a guy. (that statement will be contradicted in a future post I'm sure.) She has been trying to get sober for a couple years now. In all aspects of her life she seems to do well, considerate of others and great to be around. Every couple months, she goes underground. Stops answering calls, doesn't get online. It pisses me off because she could at best answer her phone, at worst, send a fucking text and say, "I am alive." I can't blame her though. If I relapsed, with everything I have to lose, I would probably go underground too. Even though I don't obsess about drinking anymore I still have the random thoughts when things aren't going my way that say, "things would be better if you drank."

On occasion I fantasize about heroin and cocaine. I picture buying the needles, rolling up the cotton, and pushing off. I know that would be the end for me. I know it probably isn't good to even entertain the idea. I know I could never use again if I want any chance at life. Yet I still do it, maybe once or twice a year it seems I overly indulge in crazy ex junkie romance.

It just goes to show, even with almost 4 years of being clean and sober I am still one day at a time as close to another drink as my struggling friend. I guess I should just love her anyway. Try to stay out of judgment.

I am never surprised when an alcoholic gets drunk. Only when they stay sober.

When do I get my first check?

I am on the most desperate job search of my life. Emailing resume, cover letter and answering whatever ridiculous questions each company decides to ask you is a job all by itself. Like a job but with out the pay. When you take the companies personality tests it is their way of determining whether or not you will go postal after a year and kill co-workers or customers. One I did online for a hotel desk job today had 4 different variations of the same statement, where of course you either: agree or strongly agree, disagree or strongly disagree with each statement.

I usually get angry with people. I am usually frustrated with people who I find annoying. I want to violently smash annoying peoples heads into a cold steel pole.

Even though I strongly agree with all of those statements in my everyday yield to make left turn life. I strongly disagree with them in the work place. I know the hotel doesn't want me banging customers heads into cold steel poles, so I answer accordingly.

Among other things, the internet has really made job searching a pain in the ass as much as it has made it a convenience. It has made employers skeptical and job seekers as well. Every reply I get to my application I have to google to find out if it is a pyramid scheme or an actual job. So far they have all been scams that got my resume off monster.com or yahoo hot jobs. All that has really happened with the job search for me is I have become more frustrated and much more likely to take a job that is nowhere near my skill set. Pays less, and is probably going to be in some place worse than the one I live in now. I really can't be picky though when it is predicted unempolyment will hit 10% through the winter.

It is hard enough getting employers to look past the fact I have only finished 2 years of college. It is hard enough hoping they don't find out I was charged with a misdemeanor theft when I was 18. It is hard enough to get them to read the letter of reccomendation I received from the dean of my university for helping struggling students last year. All of these things are made so much harder by the fact that it is almost impossible today for a charismatic hard working charmer like myself to meet the actual person who is hiring an actual employee.

With my checking account coming to a close, rent coming due, and no new job in line. I'll probably end up taking a job as a car salesman. It seems to pay more than the other non-degree jobs. On the bright side the economy is sure to help boost my sales numbers.

OH HAI THERE BLOGOSPHERE. DON'T MIND ME.

My plan to do an anonymous blog was born all of 15 minutes ago, it almost died 10 minutes ago when I had a sudden nicotine craving and almost just forgot about the whole thing. I decided to do this blog with no expectations. Mostly for a journal for myself, a way to start writing again. Maybe people will read, maybe they don't give a shit. Fine by me. Apathy makes the world go round. I don't know if anything I say or write is ever original or if it is all regurgitated thoughts and ideas I steal from coffee shops, bookstores, hookah sessions, AA meetings, college class, NPR, facebook and blogs. I'm guessing 99% regurgitated. Either way i plan to write it on this half ass blog. If you read, please feel free to comment.