Insomnia.....

I was diagnosed insomniac in elementary school. I was on some form of sleep medication from the time I was in 4th grade. I stopped taking sleep medications regularly when I started getting loaded regularly. I never fell asleep when I was out there. I passed out, got knocked out, blacked out, nodded out, was put under by doctors, but never ever "fell asleep". Many nights I just stayed awake all night wondering how I had allowed myself to run out of heroin before cocaine. That probably would have been ok, except that then I would use the cocaine straight, which I never really liked by itself. Anyway my point is that I never had healthy sleep habits.
One time when I was detoxing under the supervision of my parents I went 11 days with no sleep. I started to see things and become delirious after day 7. Which for heroin withdrawls is semi-standard. On the morning of day 11 my dad brought me a fifth of bananna flavored rum. I drank the whole bottle sitting in the hot tub, not feeling drunk at all it was time for my father to go to work, I sat on his bed while he got ready and took 5 seroquel when he wasn't looking. I finally passed out and slept for 20 hours. During an opiate detox once you sleep, you know the worst is over.
When I really finally got sober sleep was the most difficult thing to deal with. I would walk my dog for miles between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. my dog thought it was such an adventure but the aches and pains of sleepless nights made me miserable. At times in sobriety I have found ways to sleep well for periods of time, regular meals, regular sex, good books, fly fishing, if all these activitis were maintained I was able to sleep somewhat normally. In the last two years my sleep patterns have become increasingly unhealthy again. I am afraid I'll lose this job over it. I am up till 5 a.m. most weeknights tossing and turning eyes wide open. I get up for work at 8a.m. and work till 5p.m. I come home and eat dinner and then go to a meeting or play cards or whatever. Somewhere between 5 and 10 p.m. I get wired again. Saturday or Sunday I usually crash at like 3 or 4 a.m. and sleep till the late afternoon which starts the whole cycle over again for the next work week. I need help, I stopped drinking coffee after 3p.m. but no change. I have talked to my sponsor and I am going to see a dr. and discuss SAFE options for me. I can't take it anymore!!!!! I've tried almost everything, you name it, I've tried it. I've had a hard time being able to function at work. So now I'll be researching safe sleep aids for a couple weeks probably.

These girls have got me all fucked up! (updates)

First of all the girl that the last post was on never ever got a hold of me. I've never heard back from her. We were friends for almost a year hanging out often and one kiss and she bails. A mutual friend of mine told me that she went completely underground it wasn't just me that hadn't heard from her. Anyway. I'm over it.

Then the girl that I lived with for years got sober with and then she moved away for art school, you may remember our ski weekend just before christmas...Well I have realized what her game is. She thinks that if she comes out here or has me out there for a weekend every couple months it'll keep me from straying to far. I told her I wouldn't do long distance and that if she moved it was over, then she asked me to move with her so we flew out picked an apartment and when we came back I was on my way out the door to tell my mom I was moving across the country and she said, "don't tell them, I don't want you to go with me, I want to go alone." This drama has gone on for a year or so. so I finally made it clear to her a month ago that I really was done. "this just doesn't work for me" I told her. She is coming out in a couple weeks to go on vacation with all my friends, I was supposed to go but am not now. I feel great that I think I am finally over her. I'll love her forever but she is the most selfish woman I've ever known. We lived in junkie hell together, CPR was performed by each of us on each of us almost monthly. Then we got sober together and were madly in love. Then we grew further and further apart. Now the only things we have in common is our past, and our amazing passionate crazy intense sex. Which is probably why we find it so hard to stay away from each other for any extended period of time.

Thirdly, I have rekindled a fling I had last summer with a girl who is super hot. super smart. super funny. This one just sort of happened. After we kissed she said, "are you ready to properly date me now?" I thought for a moment and said yes. She had V-day plans with some guy from back east. She told me that she didn't want to go with him, so she called the guy and told him that she really liked me and didn't think that spending V-day with him would be a good idea since she planned on dating me now. So the guy canceled his flight out here, but she had booked a ski weekend in mountainside lodge in her name, so apparently it was non-refundable. Long story short I somehow have come out the main beneficiary of this because now we are having a little ski n' sex weekend! At first I felt really guilty about some dude back east canceling all his plans. I always joke that I'm a hustler. My brother says this may be my best hustle yet. Anyway she assured me not to feel bad, that this guy is a rich ass hole that she should not have been making plans with anyway. but still....am I going to hell? nah doesn't exist. hahaha. So I really like this girl and am glad she was willing to give me another shot after I blew her off last summer. She grew up in NYC modeling from age 14-19 (I internet stalked and found pics of her in Elle) then she went and got a degree. WTF??? who does that? anyway so I am really intimidated by her, plus she is taller than me. which I guess I don't care about but... you know. anyway, I'm hoping for plenty of powder and and naked. don't judge.

Oh I'm blog of the month! they don't just give these things out. jk I think they do.