Tuesday, January 27, 2009
this girl has got me all fucked up!
SO....I took this girl who is a great friend of mine on this amazing date, I played it like I had these awesome tickets and I knew she wanted to go, and I needed a date. She knows I like her but we have been friends for a long time. After what seemed like a great night I kissed her, we made out for like a half hour and left it at that. She asked me what I was doing the next night. "hanging out with you" I said. She text me when she got home that night and said she had a great time and wanted to see me the next night. The next night I text her and she never replied. It has been 5 or 6 days and she has never responded. I've tried to contact her a couple times but don't want to be "that guy". But the least she could do is tell me to fuck off, right? I can't figure it out. We have the same friends, so I know she is alive but what is this about? ladies help me out here? why would a girl completely ignore me? She was into the make out session for sure. I can't get her out of my head at all! My last text (I refuse to send another) was "did I do something wrong? could you let me know what is up?"
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Well I speak as a woman, so I can be critical without looking like a sexist bastard! Hopefully! All I know is that women aren't very good at telling the truth. They say yes a lot when they mean no. This is partly because they have been socialised to think that it they have to be agreeable and that this somehow makes them more womanly or feminine. This is of course complete rubbish. And I spent most of my time in recovery teaching them in to grow a spine and start telling the truth, for the very first time in their lives. One would think that people might find this a fairly reasonable proposition. I have found this not to be the case. It takes every evry ounce of effort for these women to summon up the courage to admit how they really feel, which is often ambivalent conflicted, petty, changeable. Until women realise that these conflicted intransigent states are actually rather a normal symptoms of the human condition, and do not render them either a slag or a liar or an idiot or a bad person, they tend to be somewhat reluctant to advertise this changeable unprincipled inner world of feeling.
So unfortunately the only method I have found for converting spineless women who say yes when they mean no, into women that have the courage to admit that they don't want to do things sometimes, I have to take them through the steps and bang on about the importance of being honest and how that is generally a good thing, provided they don't speak in a careless and inconsiderate fashion when they are being honest.
It sounds like she was quite happy to do things to go the way they did, but I suspect she might be ambivalent about you and is unable to say that because she hates saying no.
Either that or she's had some pressing engagement or deadline means she has been unable to get back to you. Perhaps her friend has had an automobile accident perhaps one of her relatives is ill perhaps she has a domineering boss who insists that she worked 14 hour days until the pile of work goes down. Perhaps she has loads of college work which he has to finish. Maybe she has got a nasty stomach bug. Who knows?
The good thing to remember when somebody does something that we don't understand is first of all to remember number one: everyone is innocent. Meaning even those that do terrible stupid harmful actions generally are doing a lousy best due to the fact they are quite sick individuals. So we are in no position to condemn them. And secondly: it's not always about us. Sometimes people do things because they have a life and many factors all competing for their attention.. Thirdly when in doubt reserve your judgement, keep your accusing comments to yourself. Practice restraint of tongue and pen if needs be. And to give the poor person who you suspect of being a complete bastard, the benefit of the doubt! Ask very politely, without accusation, or any punishing attitude why they were unable to return your call, and if her reply is that she was too busy doing some terribly in moral and evil act elsewhere in order to return your call, then you would be in a position to say her actions were truly reprehensible. But until then it is wise to assume that perhaps she is careless and thoughtless or otherwise occupied in a rather unremarkable and ordinary way.
So there you go lecture about women over. Good luck with this one you never know it might work out. If she is an alcoholic or a member of AA I am afraid to say that I am not very enthusiastic about the prospects of any long-term success with this woman. Certainly none that would involve anything pleasant. If you are involved with an alcoholic for an addict the chances are that there you will suffer terribly as a result of their addictions. They will either break your heart or fall apart slowly in front of your eyes. Apart from that they make great companions! You your very best chances are with the most non-alcoholic women you can find. Get yourself down to the book club and fake an interest in Jane Austen! You have that or go to a language class, like Italian. language classes are full of women, many of them non-alcoholic. Anyway good luck with that. Sorry for the long replied blame voice dictation software!
wow. thanks irish. ummm....yeah...thanks. that sucks.
also irish, lol at the austen book club rant. Hemingway must be my problem. I'm done dating alco women. One is enough in any relationship. I'm just worried I lost a friend out of this deal, I'd a never tried for a kiss if I thought for a second this would be the result or if it was unwanted.
An Irish Friend of Bill Said..." If she is an alcoholic or a member of AA I am afraid to say that I am not very enthusiastic about the prospects of any long-term success with this woman. Certainly none that would involve anything pleasant. If you are involved with an alcoholic for an addict the chances are that there you will suffer terribly as a result of their addictions. They will either break your heart or fall apart slowly in front of your eyes. Apart from that they make great companions!"
Just wondering, is this you opinion on women alcoholics with just addicts or with men in general? Cause this recovering woman alcoholic thinks that either way that is bullshit. We make good companions, what like a dog? Gimme a break. Any recovering alcoholic working their program makes as good a mate as anyone. Maybe I should have left this comment on his blog, lol.
As far as your date goes anonymous, I'm sorry that happenned to you. Who knows what her problem is. It is pretty cold of her to not respond. I say move on, who needs that kind of drama in the very beginning of a realtionship? Good luck!
Wow, people are blowing this way out of proportion.
My money is on the age old truth that everyone likes a good game of hard to get.
Sorry.
So, ignore for her a week, if she doesn't call or ask a friend about you, she's just not that into you (cheesy but appropriate quote).
And if that's the case, give me a call. I'm always up for a good make-out session. Ignore the hubby and the kids, I'll tell them to go play in a different room.
Sometimes you just get caught up in the moment. As it appears you both were since you still texted one another after you got home. Then after a night of sleep you get time to think things through. Could be she likes your friendship and is afraid of losing that if she doesn't want to pursue this...
No matter what her reasoning is, at the very least she could of texted, called, told you in person what is going on. I hope you find out one way or another. (Hugs)Indigo
first of all... Irish is female. and after my comment I realized that I may have sounded like I was agreeing with the blanket statement on women in recovery, which I do not.
I ended a 5 year relationship 3 of which were in recovery just a bit ago. well ended is a strong word (see the post on skiing just before christmas.) and I love that girl, although she did somewhat break my heart.
My position on the topic since I've only dated a few girls in and around recovery is that it makes breakups a bit more painful. but I have so much fun with someone who has my same addictive tendencies. i.e. leaving on an 8 hour road trip at midnight just because we fucking can. You don't find that with many normies.
regardless this post was just because I was confused. the answer to the riddle I believe is from Sarah, (who I may or may not make out with regardless of marital status) The truth is she is probably just not that into me. I left out some background info as well: last 4th of july we hooked up too, things went a bit further that night. After fireworks and at an alcohol friendly party, us both sober, it just sort of happened. Then because of multiple reasons we mutually decided it shouldn't be happening. So it didn't. we even camped for a week with a bunch of friends last summer on a backpacking trip, we both slept in different tents, alone in each and one night as climbed into my tent, she said "do you have room for me?" I said of course and she said we couldn't because it would be the only topic between our friends for an entire day of hiking. That was the last anything other than friends had been brought up since last july.
More than likely she just doesn't want to have a hard conversation. which is chickenshit since we have a good enough friend relationship that it would be no big deal to say she wasn't down on that basis.
Either way, I'm not worried. I wasn't tryin' to get married, but I am way attracted to her and have always had a crush. It is just fucked up to be ignored by a friend or a crush.
thanks for the good comment thread all, even though it was abit out of proportion. Hugs back at ya indigo. Quenee thanks for pointing that out. Irish thanks for the thorough report.
wow...
I'm with Sarah..I think that's she's just playing hard to get. I do understand the way that you feel right now. This has totally happened to me before. And it left me wondering what it was that I did. And as usually the case was...I hadn't done anything...
So I say..chill for a bit. Her wheels will start turning. And she will think about you...and make out sessions.
she's a girl. go figure, heee heee heee. sorry, no wise comments from this end. i don't even understand myself, let alone another person... although i do hope she's got enough integrity to give you some sort of explanation sooner rather than later.
anyway, just wanted to say hey! your blog name caught my eye. your words coaxed me in. and here i am.
So... what happened? For some reason I would guess that, well, it didn't work out and the friendship grew distant. I am going through a very similar ordeal. I've been pretty good friends with this chick for 3 years, we've made out on a couple different occasions, and well...very recently more happened. I've been crushing forever, she doesn't want to ruin the friendship. Grrrr... why don't girls ever see that When a guy is that great of a friend there's the best potential for a strong relationship.
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