Insomnia.....

I was diagnosed insomniac in elementary school. I was on some form of sleep medication from the time I was in 4th grade. I stopped taking sleep medications regularly when I started getting loaded regularly. I never fell asleep when I was out there. I passed out, got knocked out, blacked out, nodded out, was put under by doctors, but never ever "fell asleep". Many nights I just stayed awake all night wondering how I had allowed myself to run out of heroin before cocaine. That probably would have been ok, except that then I would use the cocaine straight, which I never really liked by itself. Anyway my point is that I never had healthy sleep habits.
One time when I was detoxing under the supervision of my parents I went 11 days with no sleep. I started to see things and become delirious after day 7. Which for heroin withdrawls is semi-standard. On the morning of day 11 my dad brought me a fifth of bananna flavored rum. I drank the whole bottle sitting in the hot tub, not feeling drunk at all it was time for my father to go to work, I sat on his bed while he got ready and took 5 seroquel when he wasn't looking. I finally passed out and slept for 20 hours. During an opiate detox once you sleep, you know the worst is over.
When I really finally got sober sleep was the most difficult thing to deal with. I would walk my dog for miles between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. my dog thought it was such an adventure but the aches and pains of sleepless nights made me miserable. At times in sobriety I have found ways to sleep well for periods of time, regular meals, regular sex, good books, fly fishing, if all these activitis were maintained I was able to sleep somewhat normally. In the last two years my sleep patterns have become increasingly unhealthy again. I am afraid I'll lose this job over it. I am up till 5 a.m. most weeknights tossing and turning eyes wide open. I get up for work at 8a.m. and work till 5p.m. I come home and eat dinner and then go to a meeting or play cards or whatever. Somewhere between 5 and 10 p.m. I get wired again. Saturday or Sunday I usually crash at like 3 or 4 a.m. and sleep till the late afternoon which starts the whole cycle over again for the next work week. I need help, I stopped drinking coffee after 3p.m. but no change. I have talked to my sponsor and I am going to see a dr. and discuss SAFE options for me. I can't take it anymore!!!!! I've tried almost everything, you name it, I've tried it. I've had a hard time being able to function at work. So now I'll be researching safe sleep aids for a couple weeks probably.

These girls have got me all fucked up! (updates)

First of all the girl that the last post was on never ever got a hold of me. I've never heard back from her. We were friends for almost a year hanging out often and one kiss and she bails. A mutual friend of mine told me that she went completely underground it wasn't just me that hadn't heard from her. Anyway. I'm over it.

Then the girl that I lived with for years got sober with and then she moved away for art school, you may remember our ski weekend just before christmas...Well I have realized what her game is. She thinks that if she comes out here or has me out there for a weekend every couple months it'll keep me from straying to far. I told her I wouldn't do long distance and that if she moved it was over, then she asked me to move with her so we flew out picked an apartment and when we came back I was on my way out the door to tell my mom I was moving across the country and she said, "don't tell them, I don't want you to go with me, I want to go alone." This drama has gone on for a year or so. so I finally made it clear to her a month ago that I really was done. "this just doesn't work for me" I told her. She is coming out in a couple weeks to go on vacation with all my friends, I was supposed to go but am not now. I feel great that I think I am finally over her. I'll love her forever but she is the most selfish woman I've ever known. We lived in junkie hell together, CPR was performed by each of us on each of us almost monthly. Then we got sober together and were madly in love. Then we grew further and further apart. Now the only things we have in common is our past, and our amazing passionate crazy intense sex. Which is probably why we find it so hard to stay away from each other for any extended period of time.

Thirdly, I have rekindled a fling I had last summer with a girl who is super hot. super smart. super funny. This one just sort of happened. After we kissed she said, "are you ready to properly date me now?" I thought for a moment and said yes. She had V-day plans with some guy from back east. She told me that she didn't want to go with him, so she called the guy and told him that she really liked me and didn't think that spending V-day with him would be a good idea since she planned on dating me now. So the guy canceled his flight out here, but she had booked a ski weekend in mountainside lodge in her name, so apparently it was non-refundable. Long story short I somehow have come out the main beneficiary of this because now we are having a little ski n' sex weekend! At first I felt really guilty about some dude back east canceling all his plans. I always joke that I'm a hustler. My brother says this may be my best hustle yet. Anyway she assured me not to feel bad, that this guy is a rich ass hole that she should not have been making plans with anyway. but still....am I going to hell? nah doesn't exist. hahaha. So I really like this girl and am glad she was willing to give me another shot after I blew her off last summer. She grew up in NYC modeling from age 14-19 (I internet stalked and found pics of her in Elle) then she went and got a degree. WTF??? who does that? anyway so I am really intimidated by her, plus she is taller than me. which I guess I don't care about but... you know. anyway, I'm hoping for plenty of powder and and naked. don't judge.

Oh I'm blog of the month! they don't just give these things out. jk I think they do.

this girl has got me all fucked up!

SO....I took this girl who is a great friend of mine on this amazing date, I played it like I had these awesome tickets and I knew she wanted to go, and I needed a date. She knows I like her but we have been friends for a long time. After what seemed like a great night I kissed her, we made out for like a half hour and left it at that. She asked me what I was doing the next night. "hanging out with you" I said. She text me when she got home that night and said she had a great time and wanted to see me the next night. The next night I text her and she never replied. It has been 5 or 6 days and she has never responded. I've tried to contact her a couple times but don't want to be "that guy". But the least she could do is tell me to fuck off, right? I can't figure it out. We have the same friends, so I know she is alive but what is this about? ladies help me out here? why would a girl completely ignore me? She was into the make out session for sure. I can't get her out of my head at all! My last text (I refuse to send another) was "did I do something wrong? could you let me know what is up?"

4 Years ago a friend of mine told me I was a miserable fuck---but I didn't have to be anymore.

When I came in to the rooms I had no intention to stop drinking. I had already kicked heroin and cocaine a couple months earlier (for the umpteenth time) and alcohol, although it had also taken everything from me, was not a problem for me. I knew I would drink till death do us part. I did not care that it took me to the same place as cocaine and heroin, I saw others drinking with impunity and I was determined to have the same results. I came into the rooms because a girlfriend told me she would move back across the country after she got out of treatment as long as I was sober. So...I told her I was and I stopped drinking the day she got here to look for an apartment. I stayed sober for a week more on plain stupid luck and the day she came out and signed the lease on our new place we went to a meeting. I had told her I had already been sober for 90 days. I didn't end up confessing to that lie until the day I picked up an actual 30 day chip. I could not believe I really had 30 days. I kept doing the math, looking at the calendar in disbelief. I came in and heard a message of hope. When my sponsor told me it was better in here than it was out there, I believed him. When he talked about how is life used to be, I could relate. When he talked about what it was like now, I was skeptical, but I believed him. I took the suggestions, got a sponsor, worked the steps, took service positions. Every week I was due at my sponsors' house with a big book, highliter, pen and a dictionary. After the 5th step I lost the obsession to drink. I trudged along, mending relationships with the people in my life and gaining respect for myself. Today my life is amazing. I am happy. (92% of the time) My life is good today for reasons way beyond my my job, my car, my love life, or any of the other things that I thought made life good. My life isn't perfect, but, over any considerable length of time it has got better never worse since the first day I walked in to the rooms. I never thought I'd live to 21 and now I'm 24 years old with 4 years of sobriety. My sponsor was right when he told me (he has 40+ years) "I keep coming back because its better in here than it was out there."

If I don't drink today I have a chance at a good life. If I drink I have no chance at life. I've proven it time and time again. I'm grateful to know I am powerless over alcohol and drugs.

(this is one of those posts where I'll look at it in 3 days and be like...."good god you emotional sap!")

Smoking. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you all to hell. (update)

I found a nearly empty pack of cigarettes yesterday. I smoked them. Boooooo. 3 cigarettes I smoked. ugh. I had gone 4 or 5 days without. It tasted great and the tobacco was a little dry since they'd been in my room for a month or so. The dry tobacco caused that crackling sound and they burned fast. I haven't smoked today but I am glad I smoked those 3 little guys yesterday. I forgor to put a patch on this morning, I'm going crazzzzzzyyyyyyy! I'm hoping that when I go snowshoeing and snowboarding this week at 10000+ feet I'll notice a difference in lung capacity and thus gain more motivation. Anyway, epic fail yesterday. today a moderate success. I'll keep on keepin on on the no smoking tip!

Smoking. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you all to hell.

18 years old standing around the campfire, bud light bottle in one hand cigarette in the other. A teen-age crush of mine and future train wreck ex-girlfriend said "you make that cigarette look good standing by the fire, that should be a smoking commercial." I was a full time smoker from that day forward. Sad and true. I hate to admit that I'm that shallow but I swear to god I was a part time, half assed smoker until that day. I am trying to quit for the umpteenth time and I hate it. Irritable, discontent. I don't want to eat because then I'll want to smoke. I can't sleep because I want to smoke. I can't drink too much coffee because then I will smoke. Every sound in cubicle land is magnified by 1000x. I just want to smoke. I really don't want to gain weight either as I have been trying to get looking like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. (a tall task) I just can't do it all anymore. I don't want to be subbed out playing soccer. I am tired of getting altitude sickness when I've lived at 6,000 ft. my whole life. All the physical troubles I have from smoking are not worth it to me. (I don't think) As with drinking and drugging though I'm sure I'm not done until I'm done.

Wish me luck! Day 3.

BACK FROM VEGAS, BACK TO REALITY! AND SNOW!

After a couple days back from Vegas I am fighting the post vacation blues. The trip was amazing, hilarious and eventful. No drama, just friends celebrating the new year and my birthday in "Adult Disneyland" as I call it. The clubs were epic, we hit club Pur on New Years Eve. It was a $150 cover but that included open bar. Unfortunately the open bar need not apply to me, but it did make my plain tonics and diet cokes free as well. We left the club at 3 a.m. and I went and bought into 1-2 no limit holdem. I went up 400 dollars after 2 hours and after 4 hours I was up nearly 600. I was tired and the sun was up, so I went and got breakfast with two guys I met from Manchester, England. They were good and drunk and we talked about football. (soccer). My favorite topic. I went to bed at 9 am slept until 12 noon, awoke and went to play in the tournament at Planet Hollywood casino. I lost at the final table and took 8th place. It was the first final table I've made inside the LV city limits. I didn't finish in the money but had a good time none the less. My sister came and met me for lunch at Traitor Vic's which I highly reccomend if you're going to be on the strip. I ended up playing blackjack and roulette for the next few hours and after making a decscent run at blackjack started increasing my bets like a mad man. $100 a hand! I've never played like that before. It was so much fun. After another night of clubs, primarily Studio 54, I met a beautiful lady who actually knew some friends of mine from back home. We went back to her hotel, Ballys and when I was leaving her room early that morning I stuck $50 dollars in a slot and payed out $410. I covered everyones food for the rest of the day in our party and gave everyone $50 to bet on college football. It was fun feeling like a high roller, which in fact I am not. I didn't go down to get rich though, I went for the fun. I had fun and my trip almost paid for itself. In all I spent about $1100 but out of the Casino's money and other players money I spent nearly $3500. I don't know wether to be stoked about that or sad. I do know I had the best New Years and birthday ever in sobriety. I had the time of my life. I never needed a drink or craved one. I called my sponsor 3 times while I was down there to check in. I am excited about the new year and all its potential. God knows it can't be worse than 2008.

Here's to you and your's!!!! Happy 2009.