A friend of mine, of course she is a female. I would never take the time to write about a guy. (that statement will be contradicted in a future post I'm sure.) She has been trying to get sober for a couple years now. In all aspects of her life she seems to do well, considerate of others and great to be around. Every couple months, she goes underground. Stops answering calls, doesn't get online. It pisses me off because she could at best answer her phone, at worst, send a fucking text and say, "I am alive." I can't blame her though. If I relapsed, with everything I have to lose, I would probably go underground too. Even though I don't obsess about drinking anymore I still have the random thoughts when things aren't going my way that say, "things would be better if you drank."
On occasion I fantasize about heroin and cocaine. I picture buying the needles, rolling up the cotton, and pushing off. I know that would be the end for me. I know it probably isn't good to even entertain the idea. I know I could never use again if I want any chance at life. Yet I still do it, maybe once or twice a year it seems I overly indulge in crazy ex junkie romance.
It just goes to show, even with almost 4 years of being clean and sober I am still one day at a time as close to another drink as my struggling friend. I guess I should just love her anyway. Try to stay out of judgment.
I am never surprised when an alcoholic gets drunk. Only when they stay sober.
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