When I came in to the rooms I had no intention to stop drinking. I had already kicked heroin and cocaine a couple months earlier (for the umpteenth time) and alcohol, although it had also taken everything from me, was not a problem for me. I knew I would drink till death do us part. I did not care that it took me to the same place as cocaine and heroin, I saw others drinking with impunity and I was determined to have the same results. I came into the rooms because a girlfriend told me she would move back across the country after she got out of treatment as long as I was sober. So...I told her I was and I stopped drinking the day she got here to look for an apartment. I stayed sober for a week more on plain stupid luck and the day she came out and signed the lease on our new place we went to a meeting. I had told her I had already been sober for 90 days. I didn't end up confessing to that lie until the day I picked up an actual 30 day chip. I could not believe I really had 30 days. I kept doing the math, looking at the calendar in disbelief. I came in and heard a message of hope. When my sponsor told me it was better in here than it was out there, I believed him. When he talked about how is life used to be, I could relate. When he talked about what it was like now, I was skeptical, but I believed him. I took the suggestions, got a sponsor, worked the steps, took service positions. Every week I was due at my sponsors' house with a big book, highliter, pen and a dictionary. After the 5th step I lost the obsession to drink. I trudged along, mending relationships with the people in my life and gaining respect for myself. Today my life is amazing. I am happy. (92% of the time) My life is good today for reasons way beyond my my job, my car, my love life, or any of the other things that I thought made life good. My life isn't perfect, but, over any considerable length of time it has got better never worse since the first day I walked in to the rooms. I never thought I'd live to 21 and now I'm 24 years old with 4 years of sobriety. My sponsor was right when he told me (he has 40+ years) "I keep coming back because its better in here than it was out there."
If I don't drink today I have a chance at a good life. If I drink I have no chance at life. I've proven it time and time again. I'm grateful to know I am powerless over alcohol and drugs.
(this is one of those posts where I'll look at it in 3 days and be like...."good god you emotional sap!")
2 comments:
Your last line cracked me up because I often think the same thing after I write a gratitude list.
One of the best things I have discovered about being sober is that I didn't have to lose any of my hippy/artsy side that I thought was uniquely connected to partying. But it turns out you can be cool and sober at the same time. I like that about you, too.
Ah, I thought the emotional sap was endearing. I was the same way when I first walked into an AA meeting. I was there to cure my dad, not me (Yeah, I soon discovered if that were the case Al-Anon would of been a better option). Or maybe it was for me...5 years later...I guess it was. (Hugs)Indigo
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