Young, Dumb, Sober

Insomnia.....

2009-02-19T13:05:00.000-08:00

I was diagnosed insomniac in elementary school. I was on some form of sleep medication from the time I was in 4th grade. I stopped taking sleep medications regularly when I started getting loaded regularly. I never fell asleep when I was out there. I passed out, got knocked out, blacked out, nodded out, was put under by doctors, but never ever "fell asleep". Many nights I just stayed awake all night wondering how I had allowed myself to run out of heroin before cocaine. That probably would have been ok, except that then I would use the cocaine straight, which I never really liked by itself. Anyway my point is that I never had healthy sleep habits.
One time when I was detoxing under the supervision of my parents I went 11 days with no sleep. I started to see things and become delirious after day 7. Which for heroin withdrawls is semi-standard. On the morning of day 11 my dad brought me a fifth of bananna flavored rum. I drank the whole bottle sitting in the hot tub, not feeling drunk at all it was time for my father to go to work, I sat on his bed while he got ready and took 5 seroquel when he wasn't looking. I finally passed out and slept for 20 hours. During an opiate detox once you sleep, you know the worst is over.
When I really finally got sober sleep was the most difficult thing to deal with. I would walk my dog for miles between the hours of 3 and 5 a.m. my dog thought it was such an adventure but the aches and pains of sleepless nights made me miserable. At times in sobriety I have found ways to sleep well for periods of time, regular meals, regular sex, good books, fly fishing, if all these activitis were maintained I was able to sleep somewhat normally. In the last two years my sleep patterns have become increasingly unhealthy again. I am afraid I'll lose this job over it. I am up till 5 a.m. most weeknights tossing and turning eyes wide open. I get up for work at 8a.m. and work till 5p.m. I come home and eat dinner and then go to a meeting or play cards or whatever. Somewhere between 5 and 10 p.m. I get wired again. Saturday or Sunday I usually crash at like 3 or 4 a.m. and sleep till the late afternoon which starts the whole cycle over again for the next work week. I need help, I stopped drinking coffee after 3p.m. but no change. I have talked to my sponsor and I am going to see a dr. and discuss SAFE options for me. I can't take it anymore!!!!! I've tried almost everything, you name it, I've tried it. I've had a hard time being able to function at work. So now I'll be researching safe sleep aids for a couple weeks probably.

These girls have got me all fucked up! (updates)

2009-02-11T10:44:00.001-08:00

First of all the girl that the last post was on never ever got a hold of me. I've never heard back from her. We were friends for almost a year hanging out often and one kiss and she bails. A mutual friend of mine told me that she went completely underground it wasn't just me that hadn't heard from her. Anyway. I'm over it.

Then the girl that I lived with for years got sober with and then she moved away for art school, you may remember our ski weekend just before christmas...Well I have realized what her game is. She thinks that if she comes out here or has me out there for a weekend every couple months it'll keep me from straying to far. I told her I wouldn't do long distance and that if she moved it was over, then she asked me to move with her so we flew out picked an apartment and when we came back I was on my way out the door to tell my mom I was moving across the country and she said, "don't tell them, I don't want you to go with me, I want to go alone." This drama has gone on for a year or so. so I finally made it clear to her a month ago that I really was done. "this just doesn't work for me" I told her. She is coming out in a couple weeks to go on vacation with all my friends, I was supposed to go but am not now. I feel great that I think I am finally over her. I'll love her forever but she is the most selfish woman I've ever known. We lived in junkie hell together, CPR was performed by each of us on each of us almost monthly. Then we got sober together and were madly in love. Then we grew further and further apart. Now the only things we have in common is our past, and our amazing passionate crazy intense sex. Which is probably why we find it so hard to stay away from each other for any extended period of time.

Thirdly, I have rekindled a fling I had last summer with a girl who is super hot. super smart. super funny. This one just sort of happened. After we kissed she said, "are you ready to properly date me now?" I thought for a moment and said yes. She had V-day plans with some guy from back east. She told me that she didn't want to go with him, so she called the guy and told him that she really liked me and didn't think that spending V-day with him would be a good idea since she planned on dating me now. So the guy canceled his flight out here, but she had booked a ski weekend in mountainside lodge in her name, so apparently it was non-refundable. Long story short I somehow have come out the main beneficiary of this because now we are having a little ski n' sex weekend! At first I felt really guilty about some dude back east canceling all his plans. I always joke that I'm a hustler. My brother says this may be my best hustle yet. Anyway she assured me not to feel bad, that this guy is a rich ass hole that she should not have been making plans with anyway. but still....am I going to hell? nah doesn't exist. hahaha. So I really like this girl and am glad she was willing to give me another shot after I blew her off last summer. She grew up in NYC modeling from age 14-19 (I internet stalked and found pics of her in Elle) then she went and got a degree. WTF??? who does that? anyway so I am really intimidated by her, plus she is taller than me. which I guess I don't care about but... you know. anyway, I'm hoping for plenty of powder and and naked. don't judge.

Oh I'm blog of the month! they don't just give these things out. jk I think they do.

Sober Sites Bloggreat free widgetsWidgetbox

this girl has got me all fucked up!

2009-01-27T22:48:00.000-08:00

SO....I took this girl who is a great friend of mine on this amazing date, I played it like I had these awesome tickets and I knew she wanted to go, and I needed a date. She knows I like her but we have been friends for a long time. After what seemed like a great night I kissed her, we made out for like a half hour and left it at that. She asked me what I was doing the next night. "hanging out with you" I said. She text me when she got home that night and said she had a great time and wanted to see me the next night. The next night I text her and she never replied. It has been 5 or 6 days and she has never responded. I've tried to contact her a couple times but don't want to be "that guy". But the least she could do is tell me to fuck off, right? I can't figure it out. We have the same friends, so I know she is alive but what is this about? ladies help me out here? why would a girl completely ignore me? She was into the make out session for sure. I can't get her out of my head at all! My last text (I refuse to send another) was "did I do something wrong? could you let me know what is up?"

4 Years ago a friend of mine told me I was a miserable fuck---but I didn't have to be anymore.

2009-01-26T12:25:00.000-08:00

When I came in to the rooms I had no intention to stop drinking. I had already kicked heroin and cocaine a couple months earlier (for the umpteenth time) and alcohol, although it had also taken everything from me, was not a problem for me. I knew I would drink till death do us part. I did not care that it took me to the same place as cocaine and heroin, I saw others drinking with impunity and I was determined to have the same results. I came into the rooms because a girlfriend told me she would move back across the country after she got out of treatment as long as I was sober. So...I told her I was and I stopped drinking the day she got here to look for an apartment. I stayed sober for a week more on plain stupid luck and the day she came out and signed the lease on our new place we went to a meeting. I had told her I had already been sober for 90 days. I didn't end up confessing to that lie until the day I picked up an actual 30 day chip. I could not believe I really had 30 days. I kept doing the math, looking at the calendar in disbelief. I came in and heard a message of hope. When my sponsor told me it was better in here than it was out there, I believed him. When he talked about how is life used to be, I could relate. When he talked about what it was like now, I was skeptical, but I believed him. I took the suggestions, got a sponsor, worked the steps, took service positions. Every week I was due at my sponsors' house with a big book, highliter, pen and a dictionary. After the 5th step I lost the obsession to drink. I trudged along, mending relationships with the people in my life and gaining respect for myself. Today my life is amazing. I am happy. (92% of the time) My life is good today for reasons way beyond my my job, my car, my love life, or any of the other things that I thought made life good. My life isn't perfect, but, over any considerable length of time it has got better never worse since the first day I walked in to the rooms. I never thought I'd live to 21 and now I'm 24 years old with 4 years of sobriety. My sponsor was right when he told me (he has 40+ years) "I keep coming back because its better in here than it was out there."

If I don't drink today I have a chance at a good life. If I drink I have no chance at life. I've proven it time and time again. I'm grateful to know I am powerless over alcohol and drugs.

(this is one of those posts where I'll look at it in 3 days and be like...."good god you emotional sap!")

Smoking. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you all to hell. (update)

2009-01-15T14:32:00.000-08:00

I found a nearly empty pack of cigarettes yesterday. I smoked them. Boooooo. 3 cigarettes I smoked. ugh. I had gone 4 or 5 days without. It tasted great and the tobacco was a little dry since they'd been in my room for a month or so. The dry tobacco caused that crackling sound and they burned fast. I haven't smoked today but I am glad I smoked those 3 little guys yesterday. I forgor to put a patch on this morning, I'm going crazzzzzzyyyyyyy! I'm hoping that when I go snowshoeing and snowboarding this week at 10000+ feet I'll notice a difference in lung capacity and thus gain more motivation. Anyway, epic fail yesterday. today a moderate success. I'll keep on keepin on on the no smoking tip!

Smoking. Damn you cigarettes. Damn you all to hell.

2009-01-12T16:27:00.000-08:00

18 years old standing around the campfire, bud light bottle in one hand cigarette in the other. A teen-age crush of mine and future train wreck ex-girlfriend said "you make that cigarette look good standing by the fire, that should be a smoking commercial." I was a full time smoker from that day forward. Sad and true. I hate to admit that I'm that shallow but I swear to god I was a part time, half assed smoker until that day. I am trying to quit for the umpteenth time and I hate it. Irritable, discontent. I don't want to eat because then I'll want to smoke. I can't sleep because I want to smoke. I can't drink too much coffee because then I will smoke. Every sound in cubicle land is magnified by 1000x. I just want to smoke. I really don't want to gain weight either as I have been trying to get looking like Brad Pitt in Fight Club. (a tall task) I just can't do it all anymore. I don't want to be subbed out playing soccer. I am tired of getting altitude sickness when I've lived at 6,000 ft. my whole life. All the physical troubles I have from smoking are not worth it to me. (I don't think) As with drinking and drugging though I'm sure I'm not done until I'm done.

Wish me luck! Day 3.

BACK FROM VEGAS, BACK TO REALITY! AND SNOW!

2009-01-06T14:14:00.001-08:00

After a couple days back from Vegas I am fighting the post vacation blues. The trip was amazing, hilarious and eventful. No drama, just friends celebrating the new year and my birthday in "Adult Disneyland" as I call it. The clubs were epic, we hit club Pur on New Years Eve. It was a $150 cover but that included open bar. Unfortunately the open bar need not apply to me, but it did make my plain tonics and diet cokes free as well. We left the club at 3 a.m. and I went and bought into 1-2 no limit holdem. I went up 400 dollars after 2 hours and after 4 hours I was up nearly 600. I was tired and the sun was up, so I went and got breakfast with two guys I met from Manchester, England. They were good and drunk and we talked about football. (soccer). My favorite topic. I went to bed at 9 am slept until 12 noon, awoke and went to play in the tournament at Planet Hollywood casino. I lost at the final table and took 8th place. It was the first final table I've made inside the LV city limits. I didn't finish in the money but had a good time none the less. My sister came and met me for lunch at Traitor Vic's which I highly reccomend if you're going to be on the strip. I ended up playing blackjack and roulette for the next few hours and after making a decscent run at blackjack started increasing my bets like a mad man. $100 a hand! I've never played like that before. It was so much fun. After another night of clubs, primarily Studio 54, I met a beautiful lady who actually knew some friends of mine from back home. We went back to her hotel, Ballys and when I was leaving her room early that morning I stuck $50 dollars in a slot and payed out $410. I covered everyones food for the rest of the day in our party and gave everyone $50 to bet on college football. It was fun feeling like a high roller, which in fact I am not. I didn't go down to get rich though, I went for the fun. I had fun and my trip almost paid for itself. In all I spent about $1100 but out of the Casino's money and other players money I spent nearly $3500. I don't know wether to be stoked about that or sad. I do know I had the best New Years and birthday ever in sobriety. I had the time of my life. I never needed a drink or craved one. I called my sponsor 3 times while I was down there to check in. I am excited about the new year and all its potential. God knows it can't be worse than 2008.

Here's to you and your's!!!! Happy 2009.

Catching up...

2008-12-29T13:13:00.000-08:00

The visit from my friend went great, we have a loooonnnngggggg history together and it is easy to get right on track with each other, before we even picked up her bags off the carousel I remember thinking it was like we had never been apart. The skiing was good. Snow was great, we saw 36 inches of brand new snow in just a day or two. The sex was incredibly hot! Don't think I'll share anymore than that but it was 10/10the romantic cabin and fireplace really set the mood as well as massages at the spa. The restaraunts where we stayed were amazing and I think I had the best filet mingon I have ever had. (better than Ruth's Chris, Flemings, Mortons by far)
We were waiting for our table when Ben Stiller and his wife,Christine Taylor (loved her in the brady bunch movies) came in. We were the only 4 people in the lobby area and he said hello to both of us and we said hello back. I turned to my date with my back to Ben and mouthed WHAT THE FUCK! and then we stood in silence. My date and I were dressed great and both looked very nice. Then Ben asked me if we were there for skiing or what and how the snow had been. I have met a fair amount of celebrities but have never been that star struck. I think I acted like it was no big deal but deep down I just wanted to say, "I have watched Royal Tenembaums and Zoolander at least 200 times. I love you. I even love your bad movies, and the Ben Stiller show in 1992, and the janitor you played in Happy Gilmore!" I refrained. We discussed the excellent ski conditions, he asked where we were from, my date explained she is from the south and that she lived here for before moving to New York and was just there visiting. She also mentioned that I was a local born and raised. Ben then asked me, What was that like? are you kidding me! Ben asks what it was like growing up in a ski town! I replied, telling him how amazing it was to grow up skiing as soon as I could walk, and driving snowmobiles to get to school. He laughed at that and agreed that it must have been "the life". The whole time we were talking we never acknowledged his celebrity or anything and he and his wife were very funny and nice.
Christmas was great I was a bit spoiled. It was emotional not having my dad at my mom's party and emotional not having my mom at my dad's party. I found my sister ducking into the bathroom to cry. I went to mid-night mass alone and the parents' of an old friend of mine saw me and gave huge hugs. Their son, my friend, killed himself in October after returning from his second tour of duty in Bagdhad. It was great to see his parents, I hadn't seen them since the wake. When the choir sang the lords prayer I got choked up and started to cry. One particular part just rang the holiday season true in my heart. "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" that is what christmas is for me. plain and simple!

I am sorry it took me so long to update--

I am going to Las Vegas to play in some tournaments and celebrate the New Year!!! I'm sure I'll post more when I get back!!

pretty nice little saturday we got planned....

2008-12-18T01:24:00.000-08:00

So... Ms. Smith we'll call her, gets in tomorrow and I am stoked. I paid for my first haircut in months(I regularly get haircuts just from myself), did some manscaping, bought a gift from Victoria Secret it's wrapped all nice too, Ski passes bought and dinner reservations made, little ski lodge we can ski in and out of. I think things are looking quite nice! I am having snow tires put on my car in the morning and have to pick up dry cleaning but other than that I am home free. I play in 3 poker tournaments next week and am working 20 hours at the skateshop. I should be in good financial shape for Vegas and Christmas, well...good as can be expected after the year I've had. Oh and the job should start first of the year. A great job for this economy too.

So on it goes. one week a peak, next week a valley. Serenity for me is knocking the highs off the peaks, the lows off the valleys and just being OK.

Snow Daze

2008-12-16T13:09:00.000-08:00

I'm on one today... you've been warned.

Now it just keeps snowing and all I want to do is snowboard. I watch Snowboard DVD's all night, obsess about it all day. I am so obsessive. I get addicted to everything and anything. Let's review hobbies and other things I have got super into in sobriety:

Tennis, Golf, Bowling, Fly Fishing, Backpacking, Rock Climbing, Camping, Kayaking, Snow Shoes, Four Wheelers, Poker, Roadtrips, National Parks, Hookah, Cigars, Baseball, Sober Softball, English Premier League, Activism, the Cilvil Rights movement (that one got bad. 6 books, and an entire VHS series from PBS like 18 hours of footage, I read all 6 books watched every VHS in 2 weeks, got little to no sleep, and this had nothing to do with any class I was taking, in fact all my grades suffered because I spent all my time doing that.) ugh. I could go on.

Anyway, my point is that it doesn't matter what it is, if I like something even a little bit, I go nuts with it. If _____ is fun once, it will be even better a 1000 times. Snowboarding comes up every year in the obsession category. Has since I was 9 or 10. That doesn't make it any easier. I am such a through and through alcoholic that I have to fight my instincts all day in order to not say, "fuck everyone and everything, I'm going boarding" Seriously, one of the voices in my head constantly tells me to say that to people. Is there any hope? Will my entire life be me fighting obsessions?

Maybe it isn't such a bad thing anyway. (justification, rationalization) I am actually pretty good at almost all the hobbies I listed. I know a shit ton about civil rights. I can have a great conversation with anyone who may be into anything. I've never met anyone I couldn't have a good conversation with. (honestly, I can't think of anyone.) My life isn't boring at all. (but if it ever shows signs of it I get suicidal.) I have a good time! when I see people I haven't talked to in a while and they ask what I've been up to it is because they really want to know. They want to know what crazy shit I've been doing lately. I like that about me! but for god's sake I have got to find a balance.

Atmosphere sums up exactly how I feel in this song. Video isn't bad either.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gbEwHJX95QE

until next time

Enjoy the ride!

2008-12-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

Went snowboarding for the first time this season. It was a fantastic day, fresh powder and 6 brand new 25 ft. kickers. We hit the kickers all day, 9 a.m to 4 p.m. with no lunch break. I feel so alive when I am on the mountain. In tune with body and soul. There isn't anything like it. We went to a bar I used to drink at when I was underage and played pool for a couple hours before coming off the mountain. It was fun shooting pool and hanging out with some old friends. They all seem to appreciate me being sober, as most nights used to end with them having to get me out of some ridiculous situation. I am grateful that I have been able to maintain and repair those relationships and also be comfortable around my friends without alcohol. Thank god for the steps. I went to my homegroup meeting tonight, we had a huge turnout tonight because one of the old-timers in our group celebrated 36 years. In the middle of his share he points right at me and said, "if this sorry son of a bitch can get it, anyone can". He once stayed after a meeting and talked to me for 2 hours in my first 30 days. I needed it too. It is really amazing to think I have almost survived this year. It has been hell from the start. I had so much stuff that was out of my control this year, I can't believe I didn't drink over it. It is a great feeling to know that I can walk through "real life" stuff without getting loaded. My first 3 years were a real breeze now that I am looking back.

Oh hello there....You must be what they call "morning"

2008-12-12T10:17:00.001-08:00

Unemployed (term used loosely as I do work at a skateboard shop, not a living wage) and in a funk, I had not seen a morning in a while. Today was a nice change of pace. The holidays for some reason make every 12 year old think they want to skateboard. The skateboard stays out until New Years where it goes to it's more permanent home, the closet. Anyway, with all the holiday orders I had to come in earlier than usual to build skateboards which allowed me to greet the world before noon. Glad I did. Last night I finally got back to a 12 and 12 meeting, felt tons better. I had a business lunch/interview it went great, I am confident I'll be working soon. Oh all the things that had me down and out 2 days ago??? All fixable. All these fears, future tripping as I call it, can become a huge problem when left untreated.

I realize this post is all over the place, mostly just wanted to check in and say I am feeling much better. Womynz friend of mine flying in next week for some skiing and sex (don't judge). Big boy job looks much more possible than it did a week ago. Most importantly, I have resumed recovery. I was getting a little too complacent lately. Next step is to stop hating the holidays and maybe watch a Christmas movie to get into the spirit. Christmas Vacation for sure.

Help, I'm down and really don't want to get back up!

2008-12-09T22:00:00.000-08:00

There have been spots in sobriety where I can't seem to pull things together. When pain doesn't seem to be motivation enough to do something different. With a book of solutions, meetings and caring people all willing to help me along, why then would I choose to sit back and soak up all the negative feelings that the winter blues and depression bring on? It is a sick mindset that I have trouble with every few months. The winters here are brutal. I know it doesn't help but for some reasons when times get tough I have a tendency to self destruct and avoid anything that would be good for me. I readily accept anything that would be bad for my spiritual health and deny anything that could possibly help. This phenomenon proves that Alcohol is but a symptom of my problems. My problems are rooted in selfish, self-centered behavior. It's been almost 4 years since my last drink but I still feel the wrath of my mental condition. A thinking disease. The solution I know all to well is to do for others. Do the next right thing in front of me and stop spending so much time based completely on self. Self loathing has never helped me accomplish anything!

CHASIN' THAT PAPER!

2008-12-05T12:41:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last 3 nights at the card table, It's been good to me, I have made money each night and as a result have been able to survive quite nicely, even with out full time work. Today I asked my boss at the skate/snow shop if I could work extra and he gave me an 11 hour shift. I am convinced that my survival skills make me a NBH. (natural born hustler). Something about 5 years as a junkie has taught me the ways of making a buck out of everything. This is one of those skills that I am not always proud of. As a debt collector I was always a little ashamed of how good I was at getting people to pay their bills. Manipulation being a key factor in my former alcoholic life, I have to now be a super-hero, constantly making decisions to use my powers for good or evil. Either way, I know exactly how much money I need to survive, how much to live comfortable, and how much I have. I work simple math to decide how much I need to come up with each week. Then I start deciding how I can come up with it, seems a lot like when I would wake up and immediately start running scams through my mind in order to obtain dope. Today my ways of obtaining money are much more civilized, although not always legal. (poker is not legal in the back door of a pool hall in the state I live in.) With the weekend here I am hoping to find a game or two and get a little close to comfort and a little further from survival mode. Heres hoping for a cash filled weekend. I got bills to pay. Oh and btw.... Vegas is booked for New Year's Eve!

Sobriety and Family

2008-11-28T02:17:00.000-08:00

Last January my parents told us that they were getting divorced after 24 years of marriage. Making this the first thanksgiving with a new family dynamic. I am always sharing in meetings that one of the best things I got from working the steps was the relationships I now have with family. During what turned out to be an emotional thanksgiving for my parents and siblings, I was so happy to be able to care for others. Being able to do for my family, be useful to my family, a part of my family, allowed me to get out of self. Getting out of myself and doing for others is what gets me closest to my higher power and is to me, true freedom. I never would have guessed this is what life was all about when I was drinking. Now in sobriety I understand and am grateful to know the relationships I have with friends and family are truly what life is all about. Showing up and actually being there for family and the people I love is my living amends for all the times I wasn't there.

ok last job related doom and gloom blogpost....I think

2008-11-24T22:29:00.000-08:00

Still no job....WTF?

My resume has been sent out all over the country, if I wasn't anonymous on here you would be like "oh I know him, he sent his resume to the starbucks I work at". I am out of ideas, I have tons of promising leads but no one saying the 3 most important words, "when can you start?" God I would love to hear those words. Card games are hard to come by, I'm running out of things to Ebay, cigarettes are taking such a large percentage of what I have left I am considering quitting. Let's not get crazy though. On the brighter side, not working is allowing me to spend time in A.A. more. Tonight I spoke at a treatment center, one that I epic failed back in '03. The treatment center has a local member of A.A. speak every Monday. It was cool speaking to the residents from the perspective of someone who went through that same program. I cracked a couple good jokes that were topical, both concerning the sleep meds and family week. Then I went right into my usual what it used to be like, what happened, what its like now.

here is the short version of my usual hour story when I speak at treatment centers and jails.

I drank it was fun. It worked. It started working less, so I added drugs. then they both worked less and less and good times got fewer and farther away. then for 2 years I used and drank in total pain and pitiful incomprehensible demoralization. Then I came to A.A., was told to work the twelve steps, I got a sponsor, worked the 12 steps, honestly and thoroughly. My life is amazing now. I have a life beyond my wildest dreams. I show up in relationships. I clean house and help others to try and stay sober, in return I stay sober. I come to A.A. because it is better in here then it was out there.

Then no one hears a word of that and they all go back to talk to their therapists about how they can't figure out how to stay sober.

GIVE ME WORK OR GIVE ME DEATH

2008-11-21T09:29:00.000-08:00

I am at work today. My part time job at the local skate and snowboard shop. It is good times and I am greatful to have it. Rent is due next week and I knew I was coming up short. Last night I was invited to a Texas Hold Em cash game. I showed up knowing that I rarely lose, I bought in for 20 bucks and cashed out at 3 a.m. with 200. that made up the difference in rent, I paid it this morning, 9 days early I might add. Now I am at work making a little extra money which will all go to pay check loans and credit cards of which I have overextended myself. Is this a mistake every one makes once or twice? Because I have struggled with money since I was 18, understandably when I was drinking and using but even in sobriety I have never got it together. I am a hell of poker player, no lie. I can't count on that to get by though, it is time I find full time work. A big boy job, if you will. I want to have a job where I go, my check goes into my bank, I have a budget, every two weeks it is split into the essentials. Rent, food, bills, gas, 10% for luxury fun items. Any left over pays down my debt. I know living one day at a time is what we're taught tot do in sobriety but I have been taking it to the extreme. Living moment to moment. Buying, spending on impulse. I think I am ready to turn to a new phase in my sobriety. We'll cal it living within our means.

As far as the job search goes. . . more promising leads, nothing to count on. My horiscope said, "Stop stressing about this situation. You've done all you can do. Sit back, let it take care of itself now."

Sounds good to me.

shady people...do shady things...should I be shocked?

2008-11-18T21:30:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine, of course she is a female. I would never take the time to write about a guy. (that statement will be contradicted in a future post I'm sure.) She has been trying to get sober for a couple years now. In all aspects of her life she seems to do well, considerate of others and great to be around. Every couple months, she goes underground. Stops answering calls, doesn't get online. It pisses me off because she could at best answer her phone, at worst, send a fucking text and say, "I am alive." I can't blame her though. If I relapsed, with everything I have to lose, I would probably go underground too. Even though I don't obsess about drinking anymore I still have the random thoughts when things aren't going my way that say, "things would be better if you drank."

On occasion I fantasize about heroin and cocaine. I picture buying the needles, rolling up the cotton, and pushing off. I know that would be the end for me. I know it probably isn't good to even entertain the idea. I know I could never use again if I want any chance at life. Yet I still do it, maybe once or twice a year it seems I overly indulge in crazy ex junkie romance.

It just goes to show, even with almost 4 years of being clean and sober I am still one day at a time as close to another drink as my struggling friend. I guess I should just love her anyway. Try to stay out of judgment.

I am never surprised when an alcoholic gets drunk. Only when they stay sober.

When do I get my first check?

2008-11-18T01:08:00.000-08:00

I am on the most desperate job search of my life. Emailing resume, cover letter and answering whatever ridiculous questions each company decides to ask you is a job all by itself. Like a job but with out the pay. When you take the companies personality tests it is their way of determining whether or not you will go postal after a year and kill co-workers or customers. One I did online for a hotel desk job today had 4 different variations of the same statement, where of course you either: agree or strongly agree, disagree or strongly disagree with each statement.

I usually get angry with people. I am usually frustrated with people who I find annoying. I want to violently smash annoying peoples heads into a cold steel pole.

Even though I strongly agree with all of those statements in my everyday yield to make left turn life. I strongly disagree with them in the work place. I know the hotel doesn't want me banging customers heads into cold steel poles, so I answer accordingly.

Among other things, the internet has really made job searching a pain in the ass as much as it has made it a convenience. It has made employers skeptical and job seekers as well. Every reply I get to my application I have to google to find out if it is a pyramid scheme or an actual job. So far they have all been scams that got my resume off monster.com or yahoo hot jobs. All that has really happened with the job search for me is I have become more frustrated and much more likely to take a job that is nowhere near my skill set. Pays less, and is probably going to be in some place worse than the one I live in now. I really can't be picky though when it is predicted unempolyment will hit 10% through the winter.

It is hard enough getting employers to look past the fact I have only finished 2 years of college. It is hard enough hoping they don't find out I was charged with a misdemeanor theft when I was 18. It is hard enough to get them to read the letter of reccomendation I received from the dean of my university for helping struggling students last year. All of these things are made so much harder by the fact that it is almost impossible today for a charismatic hard working charmer like myself to meet the actual person who is hiring an actual employee.

With my checking account coming to a close, rent coming due, and no new job in line. I'll probably end up taking a job as a car salesman. It seems to pay more than the other non-degree jobs. On the bright side the economy is sure to help boost my sales numbers.

OH HAI THERE BLOGOSPHERE. DON'T MIND ME.

2008-11-17T23:58:00.000-08:00

My plan to do an anonymous blog was born all of 15 minutes ago, it almost died 10 minutes ago when I had a sudden nicotine craving and almost just forgot about the whole thing. I decided to do this blog with no expectations. Mostly for a journal for myself, a way to start writing again. Maybe people will read, maybe they don't give a shit. Fine by me. Apathy makes the world go round. I don't know if anything I say or write is ever original or if it is all regurgitated thoughts and ideas I steal from coffee shops, bookstores, hookah sessions, AA meetings, college class, NPR, facebook and blogs. I'm guessing 99% regurgitated. Either way i plan to write it on this half ass blog. If you read, please feel free to comment.